I think I could talk about how my life has blown up in the past two weeks...
How my work is bouncing my paychecks and forcing me to take mandatory days off...
How I'm looking for a new job...
How I still wait 7 hours in a futile effort to be seen at auditions...
How my roommate's sublet suddenly tells us that she wants to leave early and doesn't want to pay...


But....

I've found someone I fall asleep on, someone who can't pass a flower stand without buying me roses, someone who unconsciously lifts my hand as we step over puddles--as if that little extra tug will help me clear the water....

And we share an iPod on the train to Jersey, and eat chocolate, and laugh when our butts get damp from the wet grass.

And he walks me to work, and makes me macaroni and cheese from scratch, and tickles me within an inch of my life...

And he feeds me Thai takeout while I wear sweatpants and curlers and thinks I'm beautiful....


And he tells me that work is stupid, and that theaters who reject me are out of their minds, and understands how much it hurts to NOT be working at your passion.

And holds me close.

And I'm ok.

God, it's been a long time.


I've been lost in the city.


Wandering endless amounts of blocks...
Searching for sushi and alcohol and cupcakes and finding broccoli...
Making a concentric circle back to Dos Caminos....
Gathering a new convert to the glory of Will and Grace...
Reenergizing my dormant inner gourmet....
Being sent on a business trip to Tampa because I'm awesome at my job...
Successfully performing TWO cabarets....
Finding out that "watch a movie" is code...
Taking steps forward with auditions and steps back...
Paying the good karma forward...
Finding battle scars in various places on my body...
Putting more and more faith in CraigsList (meaning God's providence through CL)...
Trying to balance three different lives...
Fighting the exhaustion...


Passing out in the shower is weird.
I just felt kinda dizzy--like a head rush when you stand up too quickly--and then like I was falling asleep.
I had a dream.
And then someone is pulling me off the floor of the shower.
Awkward.
And then I pass out again on the bathroom floor.
No concussion, no health issues. Just got overheated and low blood sugar.
Very scary, but no permanent damage.


What I love most in the world, is having a fantasy actually come true. Like, when the picture you have in your head of a specific moment or event actually plays out in real life.
Most times, timing will be off or a detail will be forgotten or something small will be amiss.
That's life, and I embrace that, because sometimes that's better than the picture perfect reality you have in your head.

But, it's so great when your daydream moment at the airport, or moment after your performance, or moment of opening a door completely lives up to your expectations.
It makes me remember that God pays attention to my little girly daydreams. He throws me a bone every so often.

There was actually a red rose. And it was perfect.



It's so mind boggling that I am comfortable SO FAST. Normally I have trouble sleeping. A lot of trouble. But not this time. I am out like a light and I want every night to be the same way. It's like meeting the other half of my puzzle piece. Or, maybe I'm just learning to adjust as I grow older and care less. Who knows?



This Saturday, after befriending the events planner at my spa, I will be managing a spa bridal shower thrown by the wife of M. Night Shyamalan. I'll be playing host/coordinator.
I'm very excited and more than slightly terrified. This could open some new doors.



Sleep. There's never enough.

It's like I'm allowed to be a romantic for about two days. That's all. Because then it gets taken away.


I'm telling you it was like a movie.

Subway car.

Coffee in hand.

Minding my own business. Staring out the window as the N is inevitably delayed after Queensboro Plaza.

I can feel him looking at me.

But that's awkward. So I don't look back.

And he taps me on the hand.

Under the East River until we parted ways at 5th ave and 60th.

I just happened to have my PR in my bag.


A couple 4 page long text messages later, and it's Whole Foods sushi and coffee at Europa.


And, dear Lord, FINALLY. After two and a half months of beige (he was beige, I was beige, the food was beige, it was beige)....finally some red and black. And maybe some blue and pale yellow thrown in.

And, totally outside of artifice....

...there was cappucino foam on my lip. Probably for longer than I would have liked..

But, he asked me not to rectify the situation. And let him, instead.

So, I decided to let myself be the movie-ingenue for once.

And I even blushed.

I think he did too.



And there was an empty Q train. It was kinda like 18th Street.


And there was a Brazilian restaurant the next night.

And there was the "10 Questions" game. It was fun. Even though it kept veering in one direction.

He couldn't believe the truth. Couldn't get over it.

And then 36th Ave became like 18th Street.

Slight inexplicable sinking feeling in my stomach when he walked away toward the subway.


Still, I was smiling softly to myself for the next 36 hours.


And then I woke to a text message. The kind you don't want to get.

And one vague apology and lame-ass excuse later....cut off. Done and done.



And, after lengthy discussion with experienced New-Yorkers....I have been informed that this is how it goes.

Apparently, I gave off "wrong signals". And therefore was discarded.

Fabulous.


I say, he was a jerk for having those expectations.

In hindsight, I should have known. If I gave off "wrong" signals, he gave off "I'm going to try to use you" signals.

I guess you only learn these "rules" by experience.


I honestly didn't expect it to turn out like THIS.

But, when I got that sinking feeling....I should have expected it.

Always listen to your gut.



So ends another chapter of "Trying to Be a Romantic in a World that Creates Cynicism."

Perhaps I'll write a book someday.



But, those 36 hours of "soft smiling into the light" were sublime. A girl's gotta have that sometimes...just to get through the winter.

*sigh*